Fair warning, we bout to go hella deep real quick!
Hello lovely humans! How you doing? I honestly do not like that question. Because the people who normally ask it don’t necessary want to hear how you are, genuinely. I have been having thoughts of death recently, no, not suicide. Just death. I’ve been thinking about how people who I knew from the past and the present will show up to console my family and tell them how we were good friends. How we had so many good memories. Yet right now at this very moment I know that only 2 friends will reply to my texts. That’s the thing though. I will be more important to them dead than alive. I’m just being honest.
I am not planning to die any time soon but that thought process led me to thinking how important people’s thoughts and opinions of me had mattered to me so much for so long, and still kinda do but much less. I had a best friend in Primary school and we did everything together. But then I moved to a boarding school and when I came back, she didn’t feel my vibe anymore. In my 11 year old mind, it occurred to me that everyone would leave me at some point. So with that I rarely made friendships, well deep friendships. In my mind it was just a matter of time until they left. So what was the point?
Obviously I found an amazing human being who became my best friend then she called my friendship shallow then I found another one and she broke me. You see the trend. Don’t worry there is a silver lining and ‘a connect the dots’ at some point in this story. To those people, this is just my story, it has nothing to do with you. This is my story.
So being let down became something that I allowed for so long. It was okay for people to take me for granted because they would leave eventually. That was the way I thought people were supposed to act. You compromise and alter yourself to fit in. You avoid what upsets them and do what they like even if you don’t like it. You listen to them and when they do not listen to you, sit quiet because it was what worked and what was easier. I know, I know. This is the land of positive vibes, love and light but I have not been feeling positive for a really long time.
It took my sister buying me a CD with inspiring music to play as I moved back and forth. This is why good people around us are important, they save us!! Even without knowing it. This year I said no! Enough with the brokenness. Enough with letting things happen to me. Enough with nursing emotional scars that could be avoided if I wasn’t such a willing doormat. I’m done with that sh*t!
I have fought not to go back to my more comfortable ways by myself. The loneliness is the worst part. But I am learning how to be by myself, how to forgive others. And guess what, it brings more problems. I just have a clearer path of what is worth worrying about and what is not. I welcome challenges now.
Friendship is the most beautiful thing. It is what the phrase ‘No man is an island’ is based on. But how can we create a friendship if we are hollow inside. Some people are able to build themselves up based on the friendships they have and power to them. I, however, am to building my house of strength, hope, dreams, light and love brick by brick by myself, which is wonderful for me! Getting down and dirty if you know what I mean *wink *wink.………. I love that I got hurt so bad so many times, I wouldn’t be here like this if it never happened.
So let’s sing kumbaya around the fire because honestly I know that the light at the end of the tunnel be hella real! You just have to walk through it. I am in the best shape I have ever been mentally in my life! And that notion about people leaving, is not such a bad thing. The best thing is to let people grow and become their own people and anyways I’m not clingy, just don’t expect me to rely on you. Oh and opinions you ask, well I take them as they are, just opinions. I will not give a closing word of wisdom. Instead, take what will resonate with your soul.
So, are you okay? I genuinely want to know. Tell me about it in the comments or in my socials linked on the site. You can talk to me directly on instagram, that’s the easiest way to contact me. The username is @jack2y_. Talk to you soon! I wish you nothing but positive vibes, love and light. Thanks for reading and have a good one!! Go forth and conquer Boo, you are that capable!!!
P.S: I may do a part 2 on this because I feel like there is much more on this particular topic! It could come as a newsletter so subscribe on the pop up!!